Mum called at 8:30 a.m. this morning, because Bro read yesterday’s entry. I don’t remember when I fell asleep. I don’t recall any dreams. I woke up, and that’s yesterday gone.

My mother had always been a very good mum. She supported me all along, no matter what I did. School/classmate problem, she’s by my side. Friendship problem, she’s by my side. Argument with teachers, she’s by my side. Argument with the school headmistress, she’s by my side. But when it comes to this…

Mum called this morning and asked what’s wrong, so I told her everything. The whole of my very good friend’s family is going to move to Switzerland, and she’s leaving before I go back to Hong Kong. She thought I was silly. I could always contact her. Email her, write to her, call her, or even visit her. That’s not the end of the world.

Then I came out. I told her that my very good friend was in fact a lot more than friends with me. She asked if the person was a boy or a girl. I answered, a girl.

I thought mum would be supportive. I thought mum was okay with it. She’s not. She called that ‘bad’, ‘wrong’ and ‘abnormal’. She told me if I ever have another girlfriend, or ever get back to my old girlfriend, don’t let her know. Don’t ever bring her home. She and Dad would be very unhappy. They wouldn’t know what to say to the people. She wouldn’t be able to introduce my partner as ‘my daughter’s girlfriend’.

She quoted how the Hong Kong gay male singer/actor Leslie Cheung committed suicide. He jumped off a building on the 1st April this year because he had love problems with his boyfriend. Mum said he wouldn’t have killed himself if he was with a woman. She said homosexuals are mad when it comes to love.

She said I shouldn’t even think about doing Medicine if I still believe that I’m a lesbian. She would be disgusted to have a gay/lesbian doctor. She wouldn’t go to them, however good at their job they are.

She said men are meant to be with women, and women with men. Man-man / woman-woman relationship is wrong. She said I felt that way for a girl because I thought she was a boy. She said she had that feeling when she was young as well. She said how she thought she was in love with her female classmates, because they acted like boys. She then realised that the feeling was fake after she met real boys. She said I confused my girlfriend as a boy.

NO! I’M NOT FUCKING CONFUSED! My girlfriend is my GIRLfriend. She’s feminine. She acts like a girl. She dresses like a girl. She has long hair. She wears make-up. She’s all girl. I love her because she’s a WOMAN, not because she fucking acted like a man. And I myself am all feminine. I act like a girl, dress like a girl, have long hair, wear make-up. I’m all girl. My girlfriend loves me because I am a girl.

I didn’t argue with mum. I don’t want to argue with her. She then said, if I really hated men, I can choose to stay single forever. It’s okay for me not to get married, but I shouldn’t be with a girl.

She apologised at the end of the conversation that she didn’t help me, didn’t support me, and added even more pressure on me. She asked me to see a counsellor when I come back home.

I, in fact, would love to see a counsellor. I wanted to tell somebody everything. Somebody who wouldn’t be biased. Somebody who wouldn’t care if you were gay, bisexual, transgender or anything. Somebody to just listen to me.

Now I wonder how many people who told me that they accepted homosexuality, indeed accept homosexuality. Can they bear the reality that anybody, including their neighbours, friends, siblings, children, parents; just anybody, could be homosexual? Can they really? Do they really?

I remember this one day while my whole family was shopping in a busy street in Mongkok (Hong Kong). I picked up a lighter that shaped like a naked female body. I really liked it, because it’s really pretty. I think I said something like “Woman!”. My brother replied, “Crazy!”

I remember when I went out with Ruth hand in hand. We acted a little more intimate than girl friends who would hold hands. And the stares from the people.

I remember reading this newspaper article about a man punching two lesbians, because they were kissing on the MTR (tube).

I’m so disappointed. As must be my mum…

I couldn’t really cry any more today. My tears have dried out. My eyes all swollen. My throat hurts. My lips have little cracks around the corner. My appetite gone. And I’m not sure what to cry about. My girlfriend leaving, or my mother discriminating.

Never realised that I could sometimes hear planes on the sky from my room. Planes.

So Ruth and I broke up yesterday, after 2 years, 4 months and 11 days. She said I should look for somebody else, somebody who would always be there for me. She told me not to miss her.

I went on one of the few sites left unblocked about Switzerland. Switzerland sounded like a nice place. The language is fine, the weather is okay, and the food seems to be her favourites. She should be really happy and adapt well there.

And I’ll be back in Hong Kong, struggling with my sexuality.

Why am I me?