It’s not easy letting go; love or friendship. I’ve lost both unwillingly. *sigh* Thought I’ve got over all that crap, but I failed miserably. Or have I not tried hard enough?

Helen… we would have been great friends if that didn’t happen; but maybe we weren’t supposed to be friends. I don’t know.

Ruth… I really thought I would be with her forever, but that happened. I don’t want to say this, but maybe we weren’t meant to be together…

I’ve started to unpack a little; memories kept gushing back. I picked up the photo album and flipped through it. Smile, smile, drunk, laugh, drunk, grin… Helen, Wan, Cindy and Vickie; we were always together. Always mentioned together. Everybody knew we were very good friends who have gone on trips together. They’re right, we were very good friends.

I put the album away. Perhaps it would be harder on me if Helen and I were still friends. We’re from different countries, will be going to different universities in different parts of the world, but… I don’t know.

I saw her online on Yahoo messenger the other day – could be her sister or father – I immediately logged off. I have no idea why I did that. Have I given up this friendship already? Even my brother encouraged me to talk to her… I think I’m mad at her for being unreasonable; but it certainly still irritates me to hear negative comments about her.

Then came the even harder part: the breakup of Ruth and me. I try ever so hard to get rid of stuff that reminds me of her. I tried, but never accomplished. I don’t think I can, ever.

G and R… they’re always there lying around with my other soft toys. It hurts to look at them, so I’ve been avoiding them.

Pictures… I haven’t touched the album at all. I know looking at them will drive me to tears.

The ring… it’s still in the tray in the mirror I used to look at every day. Now I use another mirror.

Sometimes I wonder how different I would feel if we were to break up like every other couple. It might feel better if I ended up hating her.

I’ve got reader(s) from GMT+1; Switzerland is at GMT+1. Could that be her? If it really is, why didn’t she contact me? Why didn’t she reply my email?

…

If my foundation powder didn’t ‘accidently rolled out of my room’, leaving the UK would have been a harder task for me. If there weren’t any SARS outbreak, I would have taken Ruth home during Easter, without realising that my parents were totally against it. And if Ruth didn’t leave Hong Kong, I would have taken her home, and left in a situation where I had to choose between my parents and her…

So damn fate for doing a good job. Damn it.

I didn’t shed a tear. I’m so proud of myself. =)