I Fell…
posted on Sunday, November 16, 2003 @ 11:32 pm
I don’t remember when this “fatal attraction” all started; but I do remember the first time we talked. It was in a Life Sciences class, and he made me laugh out loud with his very first sentence.
I never saw him as a potential lover, and would never guess that I’d ever fall for him - thinking that I was a pure lesbian and all. But then not very soon later, I started to discover his charm. He was never pretentious, so you could say that his naturalness “got to” me.
He possesses pretty much all the “superficial qualities” I ask of from a partner. He’s academically brilliant, hardworking, athletic, tall, has a good sense of humour (sarcasm at times); generally fun and comfortable to be with. He has everything, except that he… is a “he”.
There’s nothing wrong with me to like him, I don’t think, and I’d still call myself a lesbian. After all I still only lust after a woman’s body. I still find my eyes following pretty girls on the street. I still enjoy lesbian porn a lot. Oops, I didn’t say that.
There’s nothing wrong! There’s nothing wrong! There’s nothing wrong! I don’t mind being “normal”. I don’t mind getting married “normally” and build a “normal” family. I don’t mind that at all!
Go for him, I hear you say. I would; the normal Vickie would so go for him, would so already have gone for him. But I hesitated, because of something that seems oh-so-silly and insignificant.
Back in June when I came out to my family, Mum made it very clear that she was upset about my sexual preference. She told me that homosexuality was bad, wrong and abnormal, and I could choose to stay single forever if I really couldn’t find a guy that I liked enough to be with. Now that I’ve fallen for a guy, she would, no doubt, be all proud and “told-you” and “I-knew-it”.
Fuck, why should I care what she thinks if me going for him would make us both happy anyway? Why should I care that the others would think that I’m converting back to the right from sins? Just why should I?
*sigh* Gareth was right, I’ve betrayed the sisterhood of lesbians (although he was only joking). I think I should be burnt to death as a punishment. Or actually, I should get a woman quick.
I guess nobody really understands how I feel right now…
*sigh*. And *sigh*.
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April 29, 2005 at 1:04 pm
Being lesbian is soo hip, isn’t it? What bigger fashion statement is there? And hey, you’re only 18, so of COURSE you can say “fuck you, I AM a lesbian” I mean, 18 is old enough to know better, eh? If I had a dollar for every girl who thought they were lesbian, “acted like” a lesbian, slept with girls, yada yada yada, only to regret it later in their life- I’d be stinking rich. Wait, I am… I guess that’s how I got to be rich, afterall, was writing books about girls just like you. The fact is, nobody is truly homosexual. It’s a choice you made, know it (believe it) or not. Daddy molest you or mother not pay too much attention to you, look towards older females as a child and mistake the feelings you had for them (in truth wishing they were your mother) for love of a sexual sort. Early sexualization. All scenarios, all COMMON scenarios and never once, in 30 years, have I ever met/interviewd a girl who was lesbian that didn’t have a trigger.
April 29, 2005 at 2:50 pm
So if I told the world that I was straight and would never be into a woman sexually, would you have said the otherwise, “Ms Author if you don’t mind”?
P.S. What’s so hip about being lesbian…?
June 16, 2005 at 11:04 am
HI HI
June 17, 2005 at 4:32 am
銀… 銀色… 0..0
May 22, 2008 at 4:33 am
That first person who made that comment is an idiot (and quite obviously someone who fears homosexuality, and has to make stupid excuses.) You’ve already explained in another blog entry about your sexuality. If you were doing it to be “cool” surely you wouldn’t have gone through all that trouble with your mum?
Maybe you’re bisexual with a predominant leaning towards females? It’s okay to like both.