Vickiepedia

I was pretty sure “What do you do during the weekends?” was what Examiner 1 asked. That’s one of the standard questions for that oral exam; pretty much free marks for grabs. I can’t say I was very well-prepared because I had a 1,000-word individual assignment plus a 12,000-word group assignment due the same day with 5 other classmates, in which only 3.5 of them were really active. But still. Weekends? I often play sports with my friends and practice the violin, among other things. Of course I’d study a lot if there’s an upcoming test. Then Examiner 1 would likely follow up and ask what sports I’m into. I would answer swimming and tennis. I prefer swimming because I don’t really like to sweat.

“What do you do during the weekends?”
“I often play video games alone.”

No, Vickie! Sports, friends, violin, study, swimming, tennis, sweat… remember?

“I, uh, often play video games…?”

Examiner 1 shot me an “are you for real” look.
Examiner 2 giggled.

Which is no biggie and just a language / preparation fail if I wasn’t telling the truth.

But I was. The actual things I do during all my weekends. Video games. Alone.

FML.

I’ve recently decided that one of my lifelong goals is to be near-native fluent in as many languages as possible before I finally pass on for good, which, on closer inspection, is a rather ill-defined goal. Just how many is “as many as possible”? Have I failed already because my Mum wouldn’t let me learn French when I had the chance 10 years ago? Does “Here lies Vickie Diablos / Who spoke a dozen languages / But still died anyway” really make a cooler epitaph?

Anyhow, when I learn a new language, I like to make myself think in that language before I allow myself to do anything fun. You want to eat? Say it in the new language first. You want to play? Say it in the new language first. You want to pee? … Oh screw it, just go pee.

Yes, I talk to myself a lot.

That night, I’d wanted to watch TV. Easy! They always teach you how to say “watch TV”. Should I spice it up a bit? Yes I should. Adjectives, adverbs, time clause, reason clause… And so I said the full sentences in that mysterious new language. It was grammatically correct and I sounded exactly like an awkward native speaker who had to justify watching TV. Damn am I talented.

“And with that, Vickie,” I thought to myself in English, “you may now open the TV*.”

Wait. No. No. No no no. Noooooooooo.

Perhaps I should work on my sipping seeping sleeping slipping English first…

Why hello there you
Did you know that haiku
Three syll’bles, not two?

Pardon the graininess, but…

Hi Vickie Diablos, your tax file number will stay the same regardless of your changing circumstances and the misuse of TFNs can result in penalties; but not to worry, this letter is only “personal”.

This would have been the porn entry I mentioned 3 entries, 22 days ago, except lately, something has been troubling me.

Friend #1 sends pictures of Muscovy Ducks to Vickie.

Vickie: How do you tell the ducks apart?
Friend #1: Male ducks have a redder face.
Vickie: Female ducks are cuter than the male dicks.
Vickie: DUCKS

Friend #2 goes online.

Vickie: I’m bored.
Friend #2: Oh.
Vickie: I’m going to sperm your Facebook profile.
Vickie: SPAM

Man, what’s going on with my brain? Erm… Boy, what’s wrong with me? Dude!

ENGLISH, WHY MUST YOU WORK AGAINST ME?!